The Tournament
by Rugbycat
Summary: The sugar-coated adventure of what really happens in Luca during the Blitzball Tournament...you have been warned...
1. Default Chapter

The Tournament  
  
A/N: I didn't think it was that funny but....bon appetit!!! NO REFILLS!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own FFX. I do own a unique wall fan and some oriental lanterns! But that's about it...i live in a cardboard box outside of Target on Tuesdays and Shopko on every other day, so if you'd like to make a donation....I'll be there...*wink wink* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!  
  
IIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! You are quite a fighter to get past my cow....  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Wakka, Tidus, and the Besaid Aurochs in the...whats it called? dressing room? well, they're in that room. Wakka's giving the usual pep talk...Lulu cowers...erm...watches... in the corner...  
  
Wakka: blabbity blabbity bloo, usless crap, teamwork, blah blah blah, do our best...and never forget, blabbity bloobity blee...victory...  
  
Jassu: Botta, im just curious...why dont you have a jamaican accent like us? yours be british, ya?  
  
Botta: shut up or ill smash your bloody face in!  
  
Tidus:(arent the cute ones the clueless ones?)*listening intently to Wakka* thats right, Wakka! i dont know what you just said, but im also thankful for the burrito that is in the heart of my bottom.  
  
All: ...  
  
Wakkka: now whats our goal?  
  
All: to do our best!  
  
Wakka: how many times do i have to tell you boneheads? up against the wall, backs t'wards me!  
  
(all obey)  
  
Wakka: our *whip* new *slash* goal *whip* is *slash* vic *whip* tory *slash*!  
  
Tidus: sorry officer...  
  
Wakka: now lets go out there and kill em!...erm...i mean...win!  
  
All: Sir! (leave)  
  
Lulu: got quite a team, captain...  
  
Wakka: not yet, but i will! ...heh heh heh...  
  
Lulu: that Tidus, pretty good, isnt he?  
  
Wakka, good, but not the brightest bulb in da box, is he?  
  
Lulu: the cutest ones arent the smartest ones...vice versa, too...  
  
Wakka: you tink hes cute?  
  
Lulu: much more than you, buttface!  
  
Wakka: why do you say dat? *sob sob*  
  
Lulu: i was calling you smart!!!  
  
Wakka: you know i take counseling for your abuse?!?! happy place, happy place...  
  
Lulu: *sigh sigh* Yuna's using one of her aeons to save my seat. id better go before Ifrit scorhes it again. go get em, marlboro!  
  
Wakka: are you implying i have bad breath? *sob sob*  
  
Lulu: no...im implying that you have many hands...*wink wink*  
  
Wakka: ...huh?...  
  
Lulu: *sigh sigh* nevermind...  
  
  
  
Lulu leaves, Wakka leaves with a puzzled but satisfied look on his face.  
  
Wakka: heh heh...who's smart now? not me!  
  
Lulu gets to her seat, Yuna sees her and dismisses Shiva. She the lets Lulu have her seat in between Yuna and Auron, behind Kimahri and in front of Rikku.  
  
Yuna: Shiva your help is not needed now. return to the great-  
  
Shiva: yeah yeah yeah, i know when im not wanted... *sigh sigh*   
  
Shiva leaves, Auron put his binoculars down and sighs.  
  
Auron: i wanted her! Yuna! bring her back!  
  
Lulu sits down, then immediatly stands up, and...shakes... *sigh sigh* men...  
  
Auron: *grin grin* nevermind! *binoculars go back up and focus on Lulu.*  
  
Lulu: Shiva got my seat wet!!! Yuna! summon someone else next time!  
  
Yuna: howzabout Ixion?  
  
Lulu: i dont want my seat covered in horse shi-  
  
Yuna: then how about Yojimbo?  
  
Lulu: his dog chewed up my seat last time, remember? ...but he ate all the bugs! *shudder shudder* bugs...hate em!  
  
Yuna: *think think* (brighty) ill have one of the magus sisters save your seat!  
  
Lulu: *rolls eyes* I HATE BUGS!  
  
Yuna: ...oh yes...i remember...  
  
Lulu: grr...just put your wand there next time!  
  
Yuna: Oh! thats such a good idea! Lulu, what would i do without your little reminders?  
  
Lulu: probably suffocate...  
  
Lulu sits down, Auron grins more  
  
Auron: now the show has started! *stare stare* *grin grin*  
  
Rikku: (eating cotton candy, face is a mess) but the game isnt on for ten more minutes... Ack! spider senses tingling! *sniff sniff* up up and away!  
  
it was at that moment, when she jumped out of her seat, when Lulu realized that Rikku forgot her Ritalin that morning. Rikku falls all the way into the waiting pool. Lulu stands up to go and get her.  
  
Lulu: Do i have to run everything around here?  
  
All: yes...  
  
Lulu: i gotta go get her. Yuna, save my...spot...wait...Kimahri, save my spot.  
  
Kimahri nods, then goes back to sleep. the people behind him mutter continually about how they cant see.  
  
Meanwhile...in the waiting pool...  
  
Tidus: are we ready, guys?   
  
Keepa: my parents didnt love me...to name me this? i mean...Keepa? *sob sob*  
  
Datto: I need to use the potty!  
  
Letty: I feel a warm spot!  
  
Botta: Ill smash all of your faces in, you sniveling little gits!  
  
Jassu: my idol is Dennis Rodman...  
  
Wakka: ...heh heh heh...  
  
Tidus: whats so funny?   
  
Wakka: many hands...heh heh heh...  
  
Tidus: am i the only one thats concerned about beating the luca goers?  
  
Letty: wonder what they go for?  
  
Datto: who knows!  
  
Keepa: or cares? *sob sob*  
  
Botta: i bet they prefer the screw from behind...heh heh heh...  
  
Tidus: do you hear something?  
  
no one hears what he hears until about 2 seconds after when a quiet, but continually getting louder, happy, ignorant cry of a young girl in her one moment of bliss.  
  
Rikku: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *crash*  
  
Rikku falls through the waiting pool roof, squashing Keepa and Datto.  
  
Datto: X_____X  
  
Keepa: *sob sob* X____________X  
  
Wakka: great. just great. now our goalie and right fielder are dead. we're short one player!  
  
Rikku: i'll be right fielder! ...that is...providing my...expenses...are met...  
  
Wakka: *sigh sigh* how much do you want?  
  
Rikku: ...CANDY!!!!!   
  
Wakka: ...okay...  
  
Tidus: ill give you 3 chocobo bars and a pack of gum.  
  
Rikku: sold! to the little girl with blonde hair!  
  
Tidus: am i a pretty girl? *blush blush*  
  
All: ...  
  
Tidus: i mean...(defiantly)Rikku, i am a man   
  
All: ...  
  
(authors note: i thought Tidus was pretty hot, but my friend Ayame loves nothing more than to torment him and make Tidus cutlets out of him...any ways, carry on...)  
  
Rikku: gimme gimme gimme!  
  
Tidus: after the game, you can have them.  
  
Rikku: ...okay! insentive insentive insentive!  
  
Wakka: lets get in the sphere!  
  
Lulu gets in the room just as they exit, a guard stands at the door.  
  
Guard: you shall not pass!  
  
Lulu: what?  
  
Guard: you shall not pass!  
  
Lulu: but i must pass!  
  
Guard: then you shall die!   
  
Lulu: ...wait... i love that movie!  
  
Guard: really? me too!  
  
Lulu: you know the one part where...  
  
Lulu and the Guard flirt away, completly forgeting about the game and Rikku's ritalin.  
  
Meanwhile...in the stands...  
  
Auron: its no fun without Shiva and Lulu...  
  
Yuna: wheres Kimahri? wheres Kimahri? ah! peekaboo!  
  
Kimahri: *ignore ignore* zzz zzz...  
  
Auron: Yuna...will you summon Shiva?  
  
Yuna: *think think* hmmm...no!  
  
Auron: uh! why not?  
  
Yuna: because she's right behind you!  
  
Auron: YAY! *grin grin* *stare stare* *drool drool*  
  
???: AURON!!!  
  
Auron: (whirls around) huh? oh, Yunalesca...heh heh heh...  
  
Yunalesca: How dare you! you havent answered any of my messages, emailed me, written me, telegrahed me, pony expressed me, talked to me in person, or any form of communication with me since i killed you! WHY?!?! WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?!?!  
  
Auron: yeah...heh heh...theres a...real...funny story as to why i havent...buh-bye!(runs in the opposite direction)  
  
Yunalesca: come back here! ILL KILL YOU...AGAIN...  
  
Auron: not if you cant catch me! hah hah hah hah hah!  
  
Yunalesca: come back here you old man!  
  
Auron: im 355555555555555555555555555!   
  
Auron falls into a hole he had cleverly dug earlier, at the bottom was a save sphere where he secretly transported to the airship.  
  
Yunalesca: well, thats that...ZAON!   
  
Yunalesca disappears and goes back to lord Zaon.  
  
Yuna: ...?  
  
Kimahri: wheres Yuna...wheres Yuna...peekaboo!  
  
Yuna: hee hee hee! here i am!   
  
Kimahri: ...Kimahri over here...  
  
Yuna turns away from the wall she was playing peekaboo with, just noticing that that wall wasnt the Kimahri she thought it was.  
  
Yuna: hee hee hee! silly me! play patty cake with me, Kimahri!  
  
Kimahri: ...why dont you go and get Kimahri a sandwich?  
  
Yuna: ...because i forgot what a sandwich is...  
  
Shiva: can i go now? im starting to melt...  
  
Shiva leaves, Kimahri tries to explain what a sandwich is...  
  
Jimma: ladies and gentleman! please take your seats, the game is about to begin!  
  
Bobba: today we have a tournament match made from the farplane: the lucious luca goers verses the blundering besaid aurochs!  
  
Jimma: starting alternating line up for the aurochs: LF...Tidus!  
  
Bobba: starting alternating line up for the goers: LF...Doram! (bored)  
  
Jimma: RF... ...Rikku!  
  
Bobba: RF...Balgerda! (obviosly bored)  
  
Jimma: MF...Letty!  
  
Bobba: MF...Abus! (getting un-bored)  
  
Jimma: LD...Jassu!  
  
Bobba: LD...Graav! (getting happier)  
  
Jimma: GL...Captain Wakka!  
  
Bobba: GL...Raudy! (very excited...)  
  
Jimma: RD...Botta!   
  
  
  
Bobba: RD...Bickson! (screaming and giggling at the top of his lungs)  
  
Jimma: whats the matter with you, Bobba?  
  
Bobba: i think im in love, Jimma!  
  
Jimma: oooookkkkkkkaaaaaaayyyyyyy...  
  
Bobba: hey Bickson! how about coming over to my place after you win?  
  
Jimma: dont answer him, Bickson! the game...has...begun!  
  
pistol shot, signaling the beginning of the game. Lulu has given up hope of seducing the Guard to letting her in, so she returns to her seat, only to find a sleeping Kimahri and Yuna and Auron no where in sight.  
  
Lulu: where did they go?  
  
Kimahri: zzz zzz...who?  
  
Lulu: Yuna and Auron?  
  
Kimahri: Yuna went to go get me a sandwich, and Auron is on the airship.  
  
???: so thats where he is!  
  
Lulu: who are you?  
  
???: its me, Yunalesca!   
  
Kimahri: looking for Auron?  
  
Yunalesca: ...yes...  
  
Kimahri: there is a save sphere in that hole he fell into. use it to get to the airship.  
  
Yunalesca: hee hee hee! i feel 491 again! thank you!  
  
Kimahri: no problem.  
  
Yunalesca leaves, Lulu and Kimahri...chat...as the game is played.  
  
Meanwhile...in the food stalls...  
  
Yuna: hmmmmm... *looks at a paper that describes what a sandwich is* i want to get Kimahri a sandwich, but i just dont know how to read! *walks up to a man, holds up an item* is this a sandwich?  
  
Man:...yeah, sure...  
  
Yuna: hee hee hee! thank you! (does the little pray thingy, runs back)  
  
Meanwhile...on the airship...  
  
Auron: whew! that was close! (looks at his arm) ahh! wheres my arm? (pulls it out of his sleeve) oh, there it is. phew!  
  
???: AURON!  
  
???: AURON!  
  
Auron: *scared* Y-Yunalesca! *smiles* Shiva!  
  
the three end up talking, then all three decide to go into the bedroom *wink wink nudge nudge know what i mean say no more*  
  
Meanwhile...at the game...  
  
Lulu: and thats how i made my dress!  
  
Kimahri: hmm...  
  
Yuna: im ba-ack! *smiles*  
  
Kimahri: wheres my sandwich?  
  
Yuna: (hands the item to him) in your hands! *smiles*  
  
Kimahri:...this is a blitzball! (pops it with his claws)  
  
Yuna:...you have kitty claws? KITTY! (hugs Kimahri)  
  
Jimma: this game is full of fouls, eh Bobba? ...Bobba? hey a note! Dear Jimma, our love was special, but not special enough. Im going with Bickson and thats that! love Bobba. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (runs off crying)  
  
A/N: Next chapter coming soon! =^_^= meow! 


	2. Chapter 2

The Tournament   
  
A/N Domo Arigato for the reviews! hee hee hee! i feel special enough to take the special bus to school!   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything of any importance whatsoever! geez...make me feel bad...*sob sob*  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Kimahri, Yuna, and Lulu are in the stands, watching Tidus, Wakka, and Rikku get brutally injured by the other team. Auron is having the best day of his life, having a twosome with Shiva and Yunalesca. *sigh* men...  
  
Meanwhile...on the playing field...  
  
Wakka: *signals for a time out*  
  
*time out(in the dressing room)*  
  
All except Rikku: X_______X  
  
Rikku: umm......guys? I NEED CANDY! *hyperventalate hyperventalate*   
  
Tidus: here. take it *hands the candy to her* X______X  
  
Rikku grabs the candy, and as she shoves it down her face without even chewing, the others could tell the sugar rush was already coming about, and as her eyes glazed over, she ran into the waiting pool.  
  
Rikku: *voice fading* ...smells like a steak and seats sixty-five! canyonero! canyonero!  
  
In the stands...  
  
Lulu: the game is back...on...Yuna, what are you doing?  
  
Yuna: im singing the kitty song! "Kitten in the sun, kitten in the sun lying, lying! Kitten in the shade, kitten in the shade, playing all day! Kitten in the rain, kitten in the rain, crying, crying! Kitten on my lap, kitten on my lap, purring away!" see! cause Kimahri's a kitten! hee hee hee!  
  
Yuna blissfully strokes Kimahri's back, unaware that Kimahri isnt purring, nor a kitten.   
  
Kimahri: *growling fiercly* Im not a kitten! i have a horn...sorta...and im possibly just a teeny bit too tall to be a cat, so quit pulling this shi-  
  
Lulu: shh! the Aurochs only have Rikku out there! no goalie or nothin! *sighs as she sees what Yuna is doing*   
  
Yuna: *holding her wand, ready to throw* see the stick? see the stick? go get it! *throws it, hits some weirdo freak* hee hee hee!  
  
???: hey! is this yours? *hands the wand to her*  
  
Yuna: oh! ive been looking everywhere for it...i think...my kitty must be sick...he wouldnt fetch it...  
  
Kimahri: grr...  
  
???:(to Yuna) ...youre not very bright, are you?  
  
Yuna:(snooty)...who wants to know?  
  
???: ...well, anyway...im Seymour.  
  
Yuna: im a girl scout, you know! hee hee hee! *twirls around*  
  
Seymour: *whispers to Lulu* is she okay?  
  
Lulu: just dont make any sudden moves.  
  
Seymour: i heard you singing-  
  
Yuna: wanna hear another song?  
  
Seymour: ...okay...  
  
Yuna: okay! hee hee hee! "cause im a blonde B-L-I-N-D! cause im a blonde dont you wish you were me? i never learned to read, and i never learned to cook, why should i bother when i look like i look? i know lots of people who are smarter than me, but i have this philosophy: so what!-"  
  
Seymour: thats nice. say, wanna marry me?  
  
Lulu: i said no sudden moves! (get it?)  
  
Yuna: hmm...*think think*  
  
Kimahri: shes thinking. we may be here awhile...  
  
Lulu: im gonna watch the game.  
  
Jimma: sorry folks, just had to go have a good cry. that two timing Bobba just left me for Dickson-  
  
???: you cant say that over the intercom!  
  
Jimma: *sarcastically* fine, Bickson! gosh, Samma! ...well, anyway, the score is 5-0, Goers leading, and...holy gerbils! theres only one player for the Aurochs on the field! ...Rikku, i think it was...and look at her kicking Dickson's ass! thats for stealing Bobba you son of a bi-  
  
Samma: JIMMA!  
  
Jimma: ...i remember the great times with Bobba...*sniffle sniffle* like when we got a pipe and a gerbil and we would-  
  
Samma: JIMMA! *slices him in half with a wakizashi*  
  
Jimma: X__________X  
  
Samma: Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks! ...but seriously folks, the Luca Goers have made so many fouls that theres only one Auroch still able to play! and look at her go!  
  
The crowd watches a little blonde blur, zooming around the sphere as the game is suddenly 5-6,397  
  
Samma: ...i think the Aurochs have definatly won...wouldnt you say, Jimma?  
  
Jimma: X_________________X  
  
Samma: hpmh! fine then, dont answer!  
  
Meanwhile...on the airship...  
  
the pilot and his crew can hear quite a commotion coming from the cabin area, so Cid decides to check on it. what Cid doesnt realize is that Auron is...busy...(lucky Shiva and Yunalesca!)  
  
Cid: Hello?!?! *pounds on door* Who's in there!  
  
Auron: Im busy! go away!  
  
Cid: What are you doing in there? is there someone with you? a dog?  
  
what Cid was refering to were the little yips and barks coming from the room. little does he know, theres quite a party going on in there...*wink wink nudge nudge know what i mean say no more*  
  
Auron: yeah. two of em! heh heh heh...  
  
Cid: ...*sees the tie on the doorknob* oh...* suddenly enlightened* okay, buh-bye! *leaves*  
  
Auron and the others go back to their work as Cid goes to his bathroom closet to retreive his porno magazines  
  
Cid: Why does he get all the fun! *sob sob*  
  
Meanwhile...in the stands...  
  
Yuna is still thinking about Seymour's proposal. Seymour, as do the others, are growing rapidly impatient.  
  
Yuna: ...umm...  
  
Seymour: okay, you know what? tell me later. drop by my mansion later and give me your descision, allright?  
  
Yuna: your sentence was too long for me to understand...you lost me at "you"...  
  
Seymour: ...  
  
Lulu: ill tell her later. anything else?  
  
Seymour: hee hee hee! you jiggle when you move! *drool drool*  
  
Lulu, having taken offense, cast Thundaga on him(good job!)  
  
Seymour: X___________X  
  
Yuna: you killed him!  
  
Kimahri: he always comes back, you know!  
  
Yuna: ...*happily* oh yes! i remember now! hee hee hee!  
  
Samma: and theres the buzzer! the Beasaid Aurochs win, 19,850-5! what a game!  
  
And so, Yuna is still very stupid, Kimahri decided to go on a quest to find a sandwich, Lulu decided to go back to the airship and join Auron, Shiva, and Yunalesca, Auron had the most fun in his life, Rikku won the Championship and was taken to adhd anonamous(how do you spell that word?), Cid is very sad, Bobba and Bickson ran off together, and Seymour, Tidus, Wakka, Jassu, Botta, Datto, Letty, Keepa are dead. And this chapter has sucked horribly, please dont kill me, i havent had sleep for 3 nights now. this is what happens when i eat chocolate covered prozac. well...thats about it...umm...hee hee hee! i have to go argue with my umbrella! see ya! 


End file.
